April Fools’ Day 2015 – the best jokes from around the world

Remember that thing about the Google Glass you have to push up your bum? Step forward  Firebox.com . It’s just announced something called an Inner Selfie-Stick, which, yep:

The comfortable, slimline design of the insertion tube measures a mere 13.97 cm – however a pocket sized bottle of lubricant is also included should nerves kick in. Extendable up to 110 cm, there’s no nook or cranny this stick won’t reach.

Don’t click on that link if you’re eating breakfast, by the way. Or eating anything. There’s a big picture of a rectum, basically. 

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17m ago 09:01
I’ve just realised something. In the interests of fairness, at some point before midday I’m going to have to be mean about The Guardian’s April Fools’ Day prank. It’s got the bloody boss in it and everything. This is a disaster. I’ve been hoisted by my own petard.

Note to self: do not be rude about any April Fools’ jokes you find on online recruitment sites today.

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22m ago 08:56
STOP THE PRESS. An April Fools’ joke has made me smile. Well, not exactly smile, but it didn’t make me say ‘I hate this joke of a world and everything in it’ out loud, which is new. This must be what Stockholm Syndrome feels like.

Anyway, well done to the Radio Times for suggesting that  Ant and Dec are becoming a trio called Ant and Dec and Anton Du Beke .

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26m ago 08:52
You? Did you enjoy BBC Two’s Wolf Hall? Would you like to buy an intricate and highly-detailed replica codpiece, perhaps because you’re a genuine history enthusiast? Luckily, the  BBC shop now sells them !

ONLY JOKING! APRIL FOOL! Serves you right for getting your hopes up, you codpiece-liking weirdo.

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32m ago 08:47
A group of TIRED-LOOKING OLD BANKERS sit around a table, clearly in the throes of deep self-hatred.

BANKER ONE: So we’re decided, then. No April Fools’ joke from us this year.

BANKER TWO: But I love April Fools’ Day.
BANKER ONE: Jeremy, no. We’re a bank. Public trust is our lifeblood. The moment we betray that, even jokingly, our business falls to ashes. I’ve made my decision.

BANKER ONE: But what?
BANKER TWO: What if we made our April Fools’ joke so awful, so completely unnecessary and clunky, that it barely even counted as a joke? What if we just did the first crappy PhotoShop job we could think of and lazily tweeted it out with such a shrug that people would barely even pay attention to it? Could we do one then? Could we.

BANKER ONE: Fine. But make sure it’s really pointless, Jeremy. Our reputation is at stake.

The BANKERS high-five, and then burst into tears.
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44m ago 08:34
Really, for this liveblog to have any sort of momentum, I should be listing the pranks in reverse order of rubbishness, so that I can build it to a satisfying crescendo at midday. However, I’ve just seen this on Sun Nation , the weird free Buzzfeedy thing that The Sun has started, and I dare you to find something worse:

 Get it? Mili-Blond! YOLO! Photograph: Sunnation.com

My favourite part of this is the question mark at the end of ‘Mili-Blond’. Ah, the question mark. The ‘will this do? Because, seriously, you turned down my Andy Burnt-Ham pun and this is all I’ve got left’ of punctuation.

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54m ago 08:25
This is more like it. Next year, all companies should defer to me before deciding on their April Fools’ jokes. I am April Fools’ Lord! Admire my crown of tears and defeat!

(By the way, Pizza Express, your prank should involve bringing out a new pizza called the margaFEETta, and it should just be a pizza with some feet on it or whatever)

Updated at 8.26am BST
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1h ago 08:20
According to Standard Issue, a UKIP candidate wants to  tax childless women . He’s calling the policy the Spare Womb Tax!

Womb! Get it? Because ‘womb’ sounds like ‘room’! Failed iterations of this joke included ‘They’re making a new period drama that’s really about periods. It’s called Womb With A View’, ‘They’re making a robotic hoover the size of a pantyliner. It’s called a Womb-a’ and ‘An architect has made the world’s first compartmentalised home for unborn children, featuring a living womb, a bathwomb, a bedwomb and a kitchen. No wait, that didn’t work. An attic. No, wait, that didn’t work either. Kill me now’.

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1h ago 08:12
Incidentally, the only thing in the world less funny than April Fools’ Day is people who point at real news stories and go ‘LOL HA HA HA SATIRE!!!’ at them. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Guardian commenter  Fibmac70

“You missed that Camoron zinger about the two million jobs he is going to create in his next (make that his first) term of office!”

Way to go, Fibmac70! I hope your spinny bowtie doesn’t get caught on the novelty ‘You Don’t Have To Be Mad To Work Here… But It Helps’ sign you’ve installed in your cubicle! Full marks! YOLO!

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1h ago 08:03
Remember that drinking game from earlier?

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